I think I’m S L O W L Y starting to see my life purpose…and (I think) it sort of involves the fact that I’m weird with an open mind & open heart and the fact that I also work behind the scenes in the adult entertainment industry.
If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you’ll probably notice that I rarely discuss my job. It’s a marketing and graphic design job so it’s nothing too exciting (unless you love sex & nudes, HA). I create lots of visual content sure, but I also look at a lot of data and some of it involves being technical.
But because of it, I’m attracting those who are weird like me that seek healing (they seek the crystals, not me btw) but can’t seem to be accepted by certain spiritual folk because it’s beyond their level of ‘weird’…
Spiritual folk who have issues with sex, sex workers and people who are on the fringe. And maybe even those who are all those things and are also POC. Those are the people who find me. People whom I accept because even though I don’t fully know what it’s like to be a sex worker, marketing for this industry allows me to understand a whole lot more than the average person.
And I have learned a lot from working here. I’m not even all that weird, really…as far as I know I’m straight and I don’t have a kinky lifestyle. I go to bed at 10pm and I get up to go to work just like everyone else, it’s just the content that’s different.
The secret’s out folks: I’m actually really boring as fuck.😉
But like I said, I try to always have an open mind and an open heart. I’m learning to recognize Spirit in all things.
I mean, didn’t Jesus spend time with the lepers and the freaks?
And while I’ve worked here, I’ve delved into spirituality more and more – tarot, crystals, reiki, etc.
They’re all sort of merging into one…becoming something new.
I had a tarot reading with a good friend recently and she pulled the II of Wands from the Deviant Moon Tarot Deck and said something profound.
It went something like this:
Your two creative jobs are crossing over each other; they are becoming more fluid. There is no separation, just a flow of energy flowing in and out of one another.
I had to write this down before it slipped away.
If you’ve been reading this blog, you’ve probably heard me say this often:
I just don’t know what I’m doing anymore.
And it’s quite true.
I don’t know why I keep pursuing certain things; I don’t know why I am interested in wanting to learn Reiki, Crystal Healing and other healing modalities…or why I even decided to sell crystals and stones. I feel like I’m not the type, yet on the contrary here I am. The fantasy I had a year ago became a full blown reality; having an online business is expensive af, I imagine having a brick and mortar would be even more. I still really love the crystals though, the ones who are sitting in my home have brought so much good to my life.
Sales have been slow last month but that’s fine; I’m learning to trust the ebb and flow.
A lot of things don’t make sense to me right now, but again I’m going to trust it.
It would be a lot more practical of me to take more classes in computer programming, marketing, design, motion graphics, etc. More classes related to my work to stay competitive or whatever; keep up with everyone else and make more $$$…
But I’m just not into it right now. Yeah I love money, I mean who doesn’t? But I’m not into hustling or chasing money.
I’ve also been noticing recently that employers don’t pay people as much for being skilled. If anything, people are being laid off for being highly skilled AND making too much.
Things are always changing, even faster now it seems.
On the upside, I feel completely at peace. I am happy for no reason.
If you also know me from the past, you know that I lived within my ego. And while it had its highs, a lot of it was low vibrational.
What are people going to remember you for, really?
I can look back and say I was a low vibrational human being. Lol! I guess if you want to insult somebody you can start calling them a “low vibrational being”. They would probably be confused by that, or not. Try it and report back 😉
Anyways, so that’s what’s been going on with me.
We’re all evolving and becoming one with our Selves, one with the Higher Consciousness.
If you’re reading this, I hope you are doing what feels good and right for you…even if it doesn’t make sense! I feel as I will probably have less friends after this round. You will look back and then it will all make sense. Trust yourself, everything will be fine.
All my love to you.❤
[I made this drawing today to go with my blog post and turned it into an animated gif again. Sorry (not sorry), all I seem to draw are pyramids, stars and eyes now. I’m boring I know and I don’t care. Artists are SO full of themselves, aren’t they? I don’t even know who is reading my blog tbh, so.]
I’ve been working on the small business and continuing my experiments…
For example, I started to show my face a little bit more. That one’s hard for me for a few reasons:
a) I’m looking much older
b) I was never one to really show photos of myself. I was a graffiti artist, remember? Back in my day (hahah omfg), nobody showed their faces; most of us stayed anonymous. Plus I’m mostly an introvert and prefer to go unnoticed.
c) It feels SO uncomfortable.
But in doing so, I hope to be more comfortable; I really just want to get it over with. Small businesses seem to blend in with personal brands if there’s only one person running it. I also hope that people can see that I’m an actual person; I want them to see me for who I am, and in doing so can make a decision whether to buy from me or not.
It’s better that way I think; better to know right away who likes and supports you rather than be polite for a long fucking time.
Of course there are some slight anxieties like: will people stop supporting me when they find out that I work in the adult entertainment industry? Will the spiritual people think it’s gross and dirty?
It’s hard but we really have to stop caring about what people think and just go for it, otherwise we become slaves to other people’s opinions. They might not even be thinking that at all, it’s our own ego mind creating these ‘what if’ scenarios.
I’ve come to realize that the right people WILL be attracted to you so don’t worry about those who aren’t.
Speaking of being polite, I’ve decided to unfollow a lot of other people; mostly other crystal shop owners. They’re all great, I just don’t want to be influenced by them; I want and desire to have my own voice.
I read an interesting post on Instagram regarding this very same topic. It’s from entrepreneur Melyssa Griffin and you can read it here.
Anyways, I don’t have much to share; being an already quiet person who’s gotten even more quiet. I’m just thinking of ways to get my online crystal shop out there in the world wide web. We have to dream the impossible for ourselves, even if it sounds cliché or ridiculous; for in doing so we stretch our imagination a bit further. I believe that the universe will meet us there when we decide that we are limitless.
My friends at East Los Musubi were nice enough to invite me to take part in their art show, happening on Cinco de Mayo, Saturday May 5th, 2018
I will have brand new and affordable artwork for this show.
If you knew me from my graffiti art days, then you will be familiar with my artwork. I will be revisiting that style. xo
Into an old habit, an old way of thinking…
I am totally aware of this. Right now I’m feeling an old habit creeping up on me, the feeling of boredom. I don’t want to be bored, yet I am. Perhaps the gloomy weather is causing me to feel this way, perhaps it’s my job.
Regardless I am thankful for my job, I am thankful for my life. I’m thankful that I was able to manifest an online business selling crystals; I don’t even know how it happened – being a seller was never really on my radar but marketing and building websites were, so there. It helps that I really like crystals too.
But I get bored still from time to time…I think everybody does.
You don’t have to fight it, but you can’t let it take over completely. So I am writing this to my future self as a reminder:
+ If you get bored, remember to just simply change it up! Do something a different way or make it a point to learn something new every day.
+ Read, read, read. Doodle, scribble, draw. Write with a pen, handwriting is still important.
+ Snap out of it, snap out of feeling sorry for yourself. Other people are really suffering and here you are complaining about being bored. SMH. Exercise, go outside, take a walk, breathe and be in gratitude for fuck sake. You really have a lot to be thankful for.
I am all too aware that I am also creeping my way into getting old, I can see the subtleties on my face. I’m caring less and less about a lot of things but I also don’t want to be forgetful. And I don’t want to be helpless. That’s why they say reading, writing and problem solving or playing memory games is important.
I’ve also been thinking about my finances a lot more, like 401ks and life insurance. I don’t have children so that made it a little easier, but I still have to think about retirement and my loved ones. Had I payed closer attention to this stuff when I was younger, I would be all set for retirement! I would be rich by this world’s standards. But if I DID amass that huge amount, then Uncle Sam would be taxing me for it, wouldn’t he? He sure would! So really, which choice is better; and are you really rich if all that you saved up for goes to paying down debt?
Whatever choice I picked is fine for me, I am successful either way. No matter what choice we make in life, Spirit will always look out for your best interest. You can always look back on your life and see how everything actually worked out for you.
I wanted to draw something for this post but I got stuck. So here’s an old drawing that I decided would look better in hot pink and as an animated gif.
I haven’t been feeling super creative and so I wrote this blog post over at my crystal shop website: How to Break Through a Creative Block with Crystals