I’ve been wondering why I have no energy for anything lately. And it just occurred to me that I am still heartbroken over the death of my best friend Roxy and it’s showing up energetically:
+ I don’t want to interact with people as much or have basic conversations with them.
+ I have no energy for a lot of things. Even trying to make money on the side is exhausting as it mostly requires me having to spend money to make money.
+ I go home after work and eat dinner with my husband, pet my cat and watch a little tv, then go on the internet, read and do some yoga until it’s time for bed.
+ Apparently, I’ve been looking to fill that void. Like out of nowhere I got into politics for a whole month because Andrew Yang really inspired me and got me engaged in that realm, but then he suspended his campaign. Thankfully he announced on The View today that he is starting up a non-profit where his ideas will actually be implemented, like Universal Basic Income.
+ I look at Roxy’s artwork – I have a few of her art actually but the one that I look at the most is this print of a ghost animal with a teardrop leaving its physical body buried close to a tree. I’m still somewhat floored that I was able to communicate with her around Samhain. I’ve not communicated with her like that ever since.
I haven’t written anything here for a bit and so I’m just airing out how I’ve been feeling this year.
By the way, this site might be going away soon. I can’t keep up with the payments. I’m trying to be frugal and cut out whatever I don’t need. We’ll see.
She’s the first cat I’ve ever had. Adopted her in late 2014. I was going for a black cat but this one literally conned us into taking her instead – jumped onto the table immediately to greet us even though the house was full of cats; just full on put her charm on James while I was trying to get the black cat to come to me but he wouldn’t, so Tabby picked us instead. She even jumped into the carrier when it was time to go like she really just wanted to get tf out of there. Needless to say 6 years later she is still with us. She’s going to be 12 years old on May 2020.
I deleted her Instagram account because I hardly ever used it. I’ve also deleted my @savethesavages IG. But then again, Instagram only lets you ‘disable’ it.
So far this year, I’ve been detaching myself from people and social media. It’s been 4 months since Roxy passed and I’m still not feeling 100% well – meaning I’m just existing in a mostly neutral state. Some days I’m at 25% and other days I’m at 75%. I also don’t have the same drive and motivation I had for Metaphysical Vibes but I’m not going to delete it either. I’ve been working more on Crystal Healer LA – I feel that people need energy work more than they need crystals.
I posted this sketch to my @crystalhealerla account on Instagram, but I really like how it turned out so I’m sharing it here as well.
I’m thankful that I have 2 sketchbooks to fill for The Sketchbook Project – it gives me something to do and gets the creative current flowing. On top of this, I’ve been attempting to write for 20 minutes a day uninterrupted – during work days I can only get in less than 10 minutes. It’s better than nothing.
As usual, I have no direction with my career goals. For practical reasons, I think I should just choose the Web Development route because I wouldn’t need to upgrade my computer. If I choose motion graphics / video editing, then I would have to get a newer iMac. And right now, I’m starting to hate being a jack-of-all-trades, only knowing a little bit of everything. I shouldn’t feel stuck, but I am. I’m also trying to pay down my debt first, then have an emergency fund, then invest. Trying to keep my creativity a top priority while adulting can be a fucking challenge…there’s always something to do or something to think about.
I’ve been minding my business a lot on the internet, not scrolling as much on IG. In my own world mostly, forever scheming on how I can create financial freedom even while I work. Again, it goes back to paying down debt, then saving, then investing.
I am missing my friend, Roxy. I know she would’ve banged out some rad sketches for The Sketchbook Project. She would’ve also been excited and cheering me on when I’d post my sketches on IG. Sigh💔
I’m having a hard time moving the fuck on. I know it’s all in the mind but a part of me feels like I’m leaving my best friend behind. 15+ years of friendship.
It’s still too soon.
And I still can’t believe it.
I’m sad but I have no tears.
She feels farther away from me now, she hasn’t joined me in my meditations for the last 2 weeks. It’s almost as if she ascended to the next level of her spiritual journey, where the vibrations are higher and it’s harder to stay in contact with those in the physical realm.
Regardless, I will always love and cherish you forever and ever.
I don’t normally do this, EVER. I’m not one to tell people it’s my birthday, I usually keep it low key but this time around, everything’s different. So I felt compelled to share.
Over the years, my closest friends have showered me with their love, humor, originality and creativity. I am so lucky & blessed, seriously. And ever since my friend Roxy died, it’s more important than ever for me to share it, to remind people how important she was to me, Jimmy and my friends.
I love and miss you so much, Roxy. I will never stop thinking or talking about you.❤️
I am so thankful for these ladies. I can’t imagine what my life would be like if I never met them. I would probably be a different person. I met them all through painting graffiti and hanging out on a graffiti forum so many years ago. Oh and through MySpace. We were internet friends that became real life friends.
Still mourning off and on in this ‘in-between’ state where I’m neither happy or sad. I miss my friend. She visits me in my morning meditations, but she doesn’t say anything. She smiles and just stares at me with a little smile, listening to my inner dialogue. Perhaps I need to stop expecting her to say something and appreciate the fact the she even shows up.
We’re in the middle of a forest clearing. The trees are black and the ground is white like snow, but it isn’t cold. There’s a fire going in front of me (which is the sound I meditate to when I have Insight Timer on) and when I say her name, she shows up and is already sitting right across from me. All the bunnies she’s ever had (lots of them) are there hopping around and being cute.
She left me a comment on Facebook 10 years ago today. She knew my birthday was coming up and knew that it was hard for me still since my mom had passed away 3 years before. She was always so thoughtful and said the nicest things.
Anyways here is a photo that I took yesterday morning. I love the colors of this one.
I told her of my plans to see Aurora Borealis, hopefully by my next birthday. In my mind’s eye we both looked up and saw the lights together dancing above the forest. We held hands, it was beautiful.
And over time, we are allowed to change our opinions about things.
I’m writing this because I know I’ve written about my Reiki experience a few times, said I wasn’t going to use it anymore yet here I am…still using it and sharing it with people who come to me wanting to receive Reiki.
I’ve come to the conclusion that ultimately, you are the only one in control of what’s right for you. I might’ve gotten influenced by a more powerful witch who tried to persuade others that a certain way of healing is the only way, while the rest is corrupt / distorted. That was a couple of years ago; perhaps she has changed her beliefs on it as well.
And while I may have believed it at the time, I do not believe it now.
Everything is a learning experience; I feel that I exposed myself to those things because my soul wanted to teach me to rely on my own intuition.
Here are the posts I was referring to that may seem contradictory now. But my experiences at the time were real and so I had to write about it:
If you are reading this – in no way, shape or form am I telling you to NOT get attuned to Reiki – you have to make that decision for yourself. I am just documenting my experience and sharing on this blog of mine.
I will say this again: do not follow the crowd, question everything. I am still on the fence about ascended masters being that I am not familiar with a lot of them, especially the ones on Doreen Virtue’s cards (whom she renounced). Not saying they don’t exist, only to each their own. Trust your own experiences.
Think of the Yin Yang symbol – it consists of 2 parts – one part is dark with a white dot in it, the other is light with a dark spot in it. And while each part seems separate, it is still part of the whole – the circle.
Jimmy keeps thinking you will pop up and say “SURPRISE! I pranked you all so fucking hard.”
But there is no prank. And we drove to Las Vegas this past weekend to see for ourselves. Your family did such a beautiful job honoring you, it felt as if you were still there.
What really hurt though was seeing your mom break down in front of us. I kept it together but couldn’t handle it at the same time.
What was really cool was that Orion actually talked to us. He had no idea his mom had so many friends and wanted to know how we all met you. He has so much personality – funny, outgoing and really reminded me of you.
It was bittersweet being in your city with Paula, Cee & Brian and Jimmy. We reminisced a lot – ate, hung out, took photos, walked around, got a few dessert options from Smiths for your celebration.
I don’t know when I will get over this and be ‘back to normal’…I’m still having a hard time accepting it.
Please send me a sign so I know you’re listening to me. I want to hear your voice just like you always loved hearing mine.
I really want to delete my @savethesavages IG account and my Facebook since I hardly use it but there are so many DM’s and comments from you that I’m just not ready to let go of.