Jimmy keeps thinking you will pop up and say “SURPRISE! I pranked you all so fucking hard.”

But there is no prank. And we drove to Las Vegas this past weekend to see for ourselves. Your family did such a beautiful job honoring you, it felt as if you were still there.

What really hurt though was seeing your mom break down in front of us. I kept it together but couldn’t handle it at the same time.

What was really cool was that Orion actually talked to us. He had no idea his mom had so many friends and wanted to know how we all met you. He has so much personality – funny, outgoing and really reminded me of you.

It was bittersweet being in your city with Paula, Cee & Brian and Jimmy. We reminisced a lot – ate, hung out, took photos, walked around, got a few dessert options from Smiths for your celebration.

I don’t know when I will get over this and be ‘back to normal’…I’m still having a hard time accepting it.

Please send me a sign so I know you’re listening to me. I want to hear your voice just like you always loved hearing mine.

I really want to delete my @savethesavages IG account and my Facebook since I hardly use it but there are so many DM’s and comments from you that I’m just not ready to let go of.

53 Views

Today is a very hard day, especially driving to and then being at work. I wanted to post this on Instagram but couldn’t bring myself to do it…it’s still too soon. Except for people that already know, I’m not ready for other people to leave comments of condolences, so I’m doing it here where no one really reads my blog.

I found out yesterday late afternoon that one of my bestest friends, Roxy passed away unexpectedly on Sunday morning, October 20th.

My heart hurts so bad, no one can hardly believe this is even real. I was hoping it was a joke. Not only that but now I also have a sore throat and runny nose which makes everything even worse, literally making my chest hurt…I’m exhausted.

I pulled this card today: Five of Cups. Loss, disappointments in love and relationships. Sad emotions. In the photo is a sticker of one of Roxy’s old illustrations.

The tarot never lies, it always knows exactly what’s going on with you and reflects it back whether you are consciously aware of it or not. This one was completely obvious.

I can’t believe this happened and I miss her so much already. She was only 36. I keep expecting for her to react to one of my IG stories or for her to post a pic or a story. All I can do at this point is read old DMs and look at photos and videos of her painting with her bunny. I collected her art over the years too.

The last time I experienced overwhelming grief and sadness was when my mom passed in 2006.

Everytime I listen to this song by Lana Del Rey, I start crying uncontrollably…Roxy loved LDR and even saw her live.

I tuned in to her energy while the song was playing and the impression I got was – she felt really bad for putting us through this but she felt especially awful for her husband and kids. That she was sorry but also feeling scared. I understood, as her physical death was very unexpected. She was dressed in a beautiful white gown with her hair and makeup done, but she was in tears, looking at me. I was also in tears and she looked at me, unable to console me.

I’m really missing you right now, my friend 💔

Roxy and I at her art show in Las Vegas, Sept 2016

39 Views

10 years ago today (12/20/2006), my mom left her physical body and returned to Spirit.

10 years later, I’m still here. I made it through the pain & suffering of not having my mom around anymore.

2006 and 4-5 years after that really felt like the hardest time of my life, but I can look back and say that it transformed me into who I am now, and who I am becoming. I mentioned this in another blog post and I will repeat it again: death is certainly the most painful of all teachers, yet at the same time it can also be life changing and transformative.

Continue reading

51 Views

The Death card appeared to me twice this week – first it was Death from the Sacred Symbols Oracle deck with the skull and rose at the beginning of this week on Monday, (top left)…

and then last night when I came home from work. I was sitting at my desk talking to a friend on the phone when I randomly pulled the Death card again from my HK tarot deck (bottom right).

Edit 10/2/19: some people have asked me where I got the HK tarot deck. I got it from Etsy but I don’t think the person is making them anymore. Sorry! I’m guessing it was a bootleg and the person didn’t want to get sued by HK / Sanrio for using their images.

I had a few other decks on the table so I decided to pull the other Death cards from them for this photo: top right is from the Albano-Waite deck and bottom left is from Camoin / Jodorowsky’s Tarot de Marseille.

The reason why I have all these tarot and oracle decks is because I am learning from them, they guide me throughout the days of the week. I feel better prepared for real life situations (whether I am consciously aware of them or not), and I admire the artwork too. The Tarot is a teacher. I’ve barely been studying the Tarot for only about 4 years now and I guess this is my method of learning; I learned that the same cards tend to come up in different decks. It probably doesn’t make sense to others, but for me it helps me to see comparisons. Consider it a double or triple confirmation. Some decks I use more frequently than others and so they end up sitting on my desk for months.

Reflecting on all the violent events so far this year made me realize even more that Death is and will always be a constant part of our lives. Someone is probably dying right now at this very moment, but we’re not aware because it’s just another day. So we only pay attention to what we see on TV and social media. We cannot dictate to Death who lives and who dies; Death doesn’t care if you’re gay, a person of color, a cop, a rich or poor person or someone of authority…

Death comes for everyone, this is the ultimate truth. Once you strip away all the complex feelings that humans attach to death – grief, sadness, hate, anger and everything in between…

there is just that, the natural part of life. It seems unnatural that a person dies at the hand of another, but at the same time this is and has been the history of human civilization. A person dies, and another one is born. It’s the cycle that keeps on going, no matter how we feel about it. The World Tarot card appeared to me this week too.

Death is certainly the most painful of all teachers. It is the one that is hard to let go of, to get over with and move on from. It’s especially painful for us who are still alive because we’re the ones who have to keep on living and remembering.

My mom passed away 10 years ago from cancer. I feel as if it was only in these last 4 years when the Tarot showed itself to me, that I started to feel like I could live again.

This is not to say that your feelings and emotions are invalid. They are valid and you have a right to feel the way you do. You can grieve and experience all the feels for as long as you need to, this is what it’s like to be human. Just know that this too shall pass, and that you have people that understand what you’re going through.

Where there is death, there is also rebirth, growth, transformation, healing, a new way of seeing things, a different perspective and so much more. The effects of death are far-reaching; peace, love, unity, justice, karma, and other cause and effects can spring from it. It really puts me in awe.

61 Views